By Susan J. Hetrick, (c) 2009
Since it's June, that means it's time for the Summertime Shuffle!
You know - the annual dance in which your kids disappear and go visit their
other parents, or your stepkids suddenly invade your once peaceful home! I have
to confess that after five years, I'm still not used to it, and I don't think
I'll ever learn all of the steps.
There are a few things I've picked up
along the way, though:
1. Let the kids decompress.
Whether they are visiting your home, or returning to it from the other
house, allow them a day or two to re-adjust. Each kid needs to make the mental
and emotional adjustments in their own way. Different homes have different
routines, rules and expectations, and it may take your children a little bit of
time to mentally make the shift.
2. Ease into things.
As much as you want to fill your children's summer days right away with
fun and exciting educational adventures, like going to the zoo, the beach, the
art museum and the annual blueberry-picking festival; remember that your kids
may not be as gung-ho as you are. Try not to overschedule their visitation (or
their return). Sometimes just hanging out at home is all they want to
do.
3. Have a backup plan. Your stepkids arrive
with hand-held video games, cell phones and ipods in hand, and barely grunt as
they flop down on the sofa. After allowing them a few days for decompression
(see notes #1 and #3), have a few activities in mind for the inevitable moment
when they declare, "I'm bored!" Going to the movies, rollerskating, swimming,
visiting your local library, hiking, miniature golf or a visit to a local state
park are several options. Check your local newspaper for kid-and-teen-friendly
ideas. For example: our town hosts "Mighty Mud Mania" every July in which kids
under 18 can play in a gigantic mud puddle all day for free! It's messy, but
it's loads of fun!
4. Restrain your inner
decorator. When your children are visiting their other parent, it may
seem like an ideal time to remodel your house, redecorate the kids'
bedrooms, and throw away all those toys they've outgrown, since there are fewer
people around to get in the way. I guarantee you, it is not. "For lo, the
children returned and found that everything had been rearranged, and there was
much groaning and unpleasant gnashing of
teeth."
5. Don't take it
personally. Remember that summer visitation means that
your child has to emotionally detach from their other parent - and that is not
easy. Sometimes this means you end up with a prickly, grouchy, snarky kid for a
few days. While it might make you feel better to berate them about how
annoying and irritating their attitude is, try to remember that
it isn't about you. Always speak the truth in
love, but before you say anything, stop and think: Is this necessary? Is it
helpful? Is it kind? If not, then keep your opinion to yourself. (Note: I'm
still working on this one!)
Above all, remember to hug your
children, tell them you love them, and remind them how special they are to you -
every day. "Lift up your eyes and look about you: All assemble and come to
you; your sons come from afar and your daughters...you will look and be radiant,
your heart will trob and swell with joy!" (Isaiah 60:4-5)
