Remember the X-Files? I loved that show - mainly because it was spooky and so unreal. However, it occurs to me that even though Mulder and Scully were usually able to solve the extraterrestrial mysteries they encountered week after week, they would have been stumped by the antics of some very earthly ex-spouses. How ARE you supposed to get along with your ex-spouse: the other parent of your child, the person you once knew and loved, that person whom you can no longer talk to without losing your patience or your mind?
        
        Most Christian counselors will recommend that when dealing with former spouses, the place to start is with forgiveness. While that may sound wonderful, it is NOT as easy as it sounds. Initially after a divorce, your relationship with your ex-spouse may be adversarial, but the Bible says we "should pray for our enemies and those that persecute us." I can honestly tell you that as a Christian, I wanted to be able to pray for my ex-husband, but there were days when I could do nothing more than say, "God, YOU deal with him."  I think God understands this. And as time passed and my hurt and anger faded, I stopped praying for my ex-husband to get hit by a bus. It took a few more years and a lot of soul-searching for me to get to the point where I could pray that God would bless my ex-husband and his new wife.

        I am reminded that when Jesus was on the cross, he forgave the people who sold him out; he forgave the soldiers who were pounding nails through his flesh saying, "Forgive them, Father, because they don't know what they are doing." However, I also noticed that when Jesus emerged from the tomb on Easter Sunday, he did not take Judas or the Roman soldiers out for brunch. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Just because you are learning to forgive your ex-spouse does not mean you have to become best friends, especially in cases that involved betrayal or abuse. A cordial, respectful or business-like relationship would be considered an admirable goal in most cases.

        So what are you supposed to do when your ex is driving you crazy or refuses to cooperate or communicate?

• First, breathe. Remember that you are not responsible for anyone's actions, beliefs or attitudes but your own. Whatever the ex does or says, it's not really about you - it's about them. 

• Second, pray. Even if it's "God, you deal with this, because I can't!"

• And third, remember: what is best for your children is your top priority. No matter what, keep your kids' best interests in mind - it may not be the same thing as what you want (or what your ex wants), but your kids’ needs must come first.

        God chose you personally to be a parent to your children. He chose their other parent personally, as well. And in the case of blending families, I believe that God also chose your kids' stepparents! Trust God to provide the best for your children, and trust Him to provide a more cordial and workable relationship between you and your ex-spouse - because it's highly unlikely that your ex will be abducted by aliens anytime soon.

I believe - the Truth is out there 

For more information on this and other blending family topics, read Advice From The Blender: What to know before you blend so nobody gets creamed (2007 Xulon Press) by Susan J. Hetrick. Help is also available online at www.advicefromtheblender.com.