Advice From The Blender
Scary Stepfamily Scenarios
There is a chill in the air, a proliferation of pumpkins patches and a sudden appearance of zombies at the mall. We all know what this means - otherwise normally-sane people suddenly become obsessed with vampires, ghosts, and skeletons! Whether or not you celebrate Halloween, I thought October would be the ideal time to examine some of the scarier aspects of being in stepfamily.
Every once in a while, I receive an email that I just don't know how to answer. Like the one last month from a man who is happily married, but is contemplating moving to another state to be nearer to his other children. The situation is far more complex than I was prepared for: altogether there are 11 children and 7 different women (all the mothers of his kids) that this man is trying to please! God bless him. He is trying to do the right thing. He is trying to be a good father to all of his children; a good husband to his wife, and an understanding and responsible co-parent with his ex-wives! Should he stay where he is to make his wife and their children happy, or move to make his other children happy? Or how about the email I received the other day, from a very confused grandmother. Her son has a daughter, aged 15, and his new wife has a 16-year-old son. Apparently the teenagers have taken a liking to one another, and were asking Grandma why it wasn't OK for them to date one another! It's not like they are blood relatives, right? After all, they reasoned, if their parents hadn't gotten married to each other, this wouldn't be an issue. Then there is the man who is fighting through the court system for custody of his two daughters. Unfortunately, his ex-wife took them to South America for a vacation this summer and hasn't returned. The poor guy doesn't know how he is supposed to go to work or play soccer with his stepson, when he doesn't know if he'll ever see his daughters again! And how is his current wife supposed to deal with this? How can they have a "normal" life? Unfortunately, one of the realities of being in a blended family is that it can be completely overwhelming, confusing, and terrifying at times. It is not "normal." Situations come up which would never occur in a traditional, nuclear family. You want to do the right thing, but you don't know what the right thing is! Nothing seems fair. You can make yourself crazy trying to keep everyone happy. The truth is, people act out of pain, and sometimes they do bizarre things for reasons that no one understands. So here are some Do's and Don'ts for dealing with your scary stepfamily situation:
? Don't try to make everyone happy.
? Don't take anything personally.
? Don't make rash decisions.
? Don't think for a minute that God can't handle this problem.
Do what you can do:
? Do take deep breaths.
? Do spend time in Prayer.
? Do go for walks. Long walks, if you need to.
? Do spend time with your kids and your stepkids.
? Do love your spouse and lean on each other.
? Do talk to a friend, a minister or a counselor.
? Do take every situation with an eye to the eternal perspective. Ask yourself what
God would want you to do. What is His best answer for your particular situation?
? And most of all, do consider your blessings. There is something positive in your life
to be grateful for. "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves...be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer...Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." Romans 12:9-16
