Tricks of the trade and other mother myths     

                                                                                    © Susan Hetrick, February 2008

I won’t sugar-coat it: choosing to love, and live with, children who wish you were dead is not easy. There are no magic words which will speed up a developing stepchild/stepparent relationship. There are no mysterious potions that you can mix into their macaroni-and-cheese which will make them love you. Basically, there are no tricks of the stepparent trade. However, there are ways to build relationships with your stepchildren that don’t involve tricks, magic mirrors, or poisoned apples.

Thanks to Disney movies, many kids think that all stepparents are wicked. In reality, not all stepparents are wicked – I think the actual figure is closer to 0.02%. Nevertheless, the fear of having to deal with a wicked stepparent is there. Once you understand that the fear is there, you can work to combat it.

When David and I married, Lysa was scared to death that I was going to ship her off to boarding school (with a shout out to Lindsey Lohan in The Parent Trap). The keys to overcoming the wicked stepparent myth are time and love. Show your stepchild that you are interested in them: be as involved in their lives as they allow you to be. Ask questions and get to know them: who are their friends, what kind of music do they like, what’s their favorite color, what kind of food do they love, what is their favorite sport and sports team, what is the name of the stuffed critter they sleep with, who is their hero, what are their best and worst subjects in school, what is their secret talent, what do they want to be when they grow up? Keep in mind, this should be a gradual process – don’t give them an inquisition every time you see them!

Another myth we need to debunk is the Subversive Stepparent Myth. There is an intense fear felt by many biological parents that the stepparent (Who is really cool! And fun! And smart! And never grouchy!) is going to steal their children and render them - the biological parent - irrelevant. As “the other mother” let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. We stepparents are not out to replace you as parents, nor do we ever intend to highjack the love of your kids.

I have been on both sides of this issue, and I’ll be the first to admit that it was really scary to watch my kids developing a relationship with their stepmother (who, I feared, just might be in that 0.02%) And then to find out that my kids thought she was “fun and pretty”?! Good Lord, I just about had a heart attack! I came to my senses though – I realized that she’s good to my kids, and just wants a good relationship with them the same as I do with my stepchildren. I love my stepkids – I take them shopping, watch movies with them, pick them up from school, and take them to theater and soccer practice. But I certainly never wanted to replace their mom or usurp her relationship with them!

Myths are brought about by fear. And fear is not your friend! The most common command in the Bible is “Do not be afraid!” Remember: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

For more information on this and other blending family topics, read Advice From The Blender: What to know before you blend so nobody gets creamed (2007 Xulon Press) by Susan J. Hetrick. Help is also available online at www.advicefromtheblender.com.