Here in Arizona, we joke about the dry heat, but admittedly summers in the Phoenix area are torrid. We basically just learn to deal with temperatures above 110 degrees. However, we also have a really interesting weather phenomenon called the Monsoon. It is a seasonal wind shift that occurs during the latter part of the summer, bringing moisture and humidity up from the Gulf of Mexico into our scorching valley. During the monsoon we experience huge walls of dust that rapidly blow into the valley and create impossible visibility conditions, followed by crashing thunder, torrential rainfall ("But it's a dry rain!"), and spectacular lightening strikes. People who live here look forward to the monsoon, despite the risks and dangers it entails, because we need the rain. After weeks of temperatures in the 113 degree range, a rainstorm is refreshing, even if it doesn't cause the temperature to drop.

What does the monsoon have to do with blending families? Blending families experience emotional monsoon-like conditions more often than nuclear families. In a blending family, life may seem kind of quiet and calm for a period of time, when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere comes a huge emotional storm that disrupts everyone's ability to see clearly, has family members running for cover from torrents of tears, thunderous anger, and venomous lightening strikes. It is an emotional wind-shift, so to speak. It may even be seasonal!

Most emotional monsoons that occur in blended families are caused by residual grief. To children, the birth of a stepfamily is a death-sentence to their fantasy that mom and dad will get back together someday. From everything we've learned about the effects of divorce on children, we know that this is a very real desire for almost all kids whose parents divorce. It doesn't matter how bad the first marriage was or how old the kids were when their parents split up. Children (even adult children!) persistently cling to this fantasy. The reality of mom and dad never getting back together becomes horribly clear to a child when one of their parents marries someone else. This results in feelings of confusion, anger and grief in the child. Children are rarely able to verbalize these feelings, and in fact may not even be aware of them. Often these emotions are acted out with temper tantrums, academic failure, and anti-social or aggressive behavior, depending on the child's age.

These emotions can also erupt into the occasional storms that seem to have no rational connection to anything! Children often deal with strong emotions in bits and pieces over time. For example, when a child's parents divorce, the child may pretend that nothing has changed, and act as if the divorce doesn't bother them at all. They may not acknowledge their emotions for years. Or they may act out sporadically. When their parent remarries, the child's latent grief over the divorce may suddenly surface when combined with anger over the new marriage. All of these strong emotions may manifest themselves in behavioral problems which seem to have no rational connection to any precipitating event. Hence, the emotional monsoon.

So how do you deal with an emotional monsoon? The same way we deal with the Arizona monsoon. Preparation is the key. By understanding what to expect (emotional outbursts that appear out of nowhere) and why (a holiday or anniversary, phone call or visit with the other parent), you can be better prepared. Offer shelter from the storm, by saying "I can see that you are hurting. Can we talk about why you are upset?" By trying to gain a clearer understanding of the underlying causes of these sudden storms, and you will help your child/stepchild, and the entire family, to better deal with them.

For more information on this and other blending family topics, read Advice From The Blender: What to know before you blend so nobody gets creamed (2007 Xulon Press) by Susan J. Hetrick. Help is also available online at www.advicefromtheblender.com.