Just add water and stir

I was browsing my local bookstore the other day, and ran across a book called Five Easy Steps to Instant Intimacy. Needless to say, I did not buy it.

The title stopped me cold, though. What is wrong with that title? Go ahead; think about it...I'll wait. Give up? There is no such thing as “instant intimacy”! It's an oxymoron; like jumbo shrimp.

Intimacy, by its very definition, takes time. According to Webster's English Dictionary, intimacy is defined as “n. close or confidential friendship; familiarity.” Intimate (from which intimacy is derived) is defined as “adj. most private or personal; very close or familiar; deep and thorough. n. an intimate friend; v. to make known.”

Notice that there is no instant in those definitions. Becoming intimate, or very close and personal, requires time in order to really know the other person, deeply and thoroughly. As such, there is no instant intimacy in a blending family. Each family member must take the time to get to know every other family member, deeply and thoroughly. Unfortunately, most people entering into a blending family situation get married thinking, “We'll all love each other - instantly!”

According to research done by Life Innovations in Minneapolis, Minnesota, the average American stepfamily has 40 members. These include the stepcouple themselves, his children, her children and the children they may have together, their former spouses (and their new spouses, and their children), their siblings, their parents, their in-laws and let’s not forget the outlaws (the former in-laws)! Essentially, the stepcouple’s relationship is not just about the couple – it is about many relationships in addition to the couple. Therefore, stepcouples must not expect their marriage to be like a first marriage – it will be different, and there won’t be any instant intimacy in it.

Blending families, by definition, include children. A stepfamily, or blended family, is: a marriage in which at least one of the spouses becomes a stepparent regardless of the age of the children. When someone marries a person with children they get a package deal: marry one, and get several more free! Chances are the children did not ask for the remarriage, nor did they want to become part of a stepfamily. Therefore, it is realistic to expect some degree of anger and rebellion over this issue no matter what the ages of the children. Needless to say, blended families have a tendency to amass emotional baggage.

With all of those dynamics to consider, one cannot expect to just add water and stir to create a blended family. Blending is a process, not an event. It takes conscious effort, persistence, love, forgiveness, time and lots of prayer.

The first key to successfully blending a new family is being realistic – to have realistic goals and expectations for the family. Don't fall for the myth of instant intimacy.

© 2008, Susan J. Hetrick